How To Master the Occult: Ultimate Guide to Unlimited Power

Lots of people been asking me how do you master the Occult? I have devised the ultimate plan based on what is currently popular in the spiritual community…

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Meditation: Contemplate how the world has hurt you.

Intention setting: Find someone who is to blame for everything in your life today.

Attitude of Gratitude: Make a list of everything the world owes you.

Ancestor Veneration: Fuel some old family feud, blame it all on your parents.

Health Conscious: Start your day by getting high or getting drunk.

Morning Routine: Post a cheesy motivational quote, nature porn, or something smug about how great your life is.

Daily Ritual: Get current with the latest gossip.

Daily Ritual 2: Log into your secondary accounts to check up on all the people you have blocked on your primary accounts.

Daily Ritual 3: Cast a death curse at someone you randomly picked from your Facebook friendslist.

Bedtime Practice: Text about how everybody is hurting you. Cry yourself to sleep.

Nightly Ritual: Wake up in the middle of the night, paranoid af that somebody is working magic against you. Pop some sleeping pills, or drink yourself back to sleep.

Morning ritual: Work magic against them. All of them. They know who they are. They are… everywhere.

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ɪɴɴᴇʀ ᴡᴏʀᴋꜱ ᴏʀ ʜɪɢʜ ᴍᴀɢɪᴄ

Deals with the Magician’s Inner World, or Bettering of the Self

Cultivate the pettiest traits a human can have: envy, jealousy, hatred. Self-pity is also advisable, especially if you can flash a really big victim card. If you can support it with a solid alcohol and drug habit, all the better! Concentrate on giving in to vices. It’s good for you. It’s “tantric”.

The Inner Work should be further solidified by obsessive attention to one’s appearance. Unless everyone can tell that you are into the Occult, you haven’t really sold yourself well. Make sure you master the selfie game. Get more tattoos.

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ᴏᴜᴛᴇʀ ᴡᴏʀᴋ ᴏʀ ʟᴏᴡ ᴍᴀɢɪᴄ

Deals with the Magician’s Outer World, and Commanding Life Circumstances

Note: Lower Magic is only important if you can get cool pictures of your altar and post them. Otherwise, don´t bother. Just stick with the High Magic. It will be enough.

The basic practice of modern thaumaturgy is casting death curses at everyone who has crossed you, such as by writing a funny comment on your Facebook. For creators of memes, you wanna kill off their whole bloodline. Forget that they were all once your closest friends, lovers, and business associates. Wonder why nobody sticks around.

Feeling lonely? Time to conjure up some love for your ass! Cast a “Love Me Or Die” on an unattainable person who is out of your league, or break up somebody else’s relationship. The path to happiness leads over still warm corpses of anyone who tried to talk some sense to you.

You are also going to need some cash. Worry not, for you can perform D.U.M.E., that is “Death Unto My Enemies” and “Love Me or Die” for others for money, to bring in more love and peace, and usher in the New Age!

Surround yourself with gossipers, backstabbers and crooks, to support you in manifestation of more bs drama.

Unfortunately, they will sooner or later turn against you.

When that happens, cast D.U.M.E.

When in doubt, cast D.U.M.E.

Don’t forget to post a picture of your altar.

(っ◔◡◔)っ After you have fully mastered these basic tenets, you might be eligible to become the next star of the internet Occult scene, also known as “influencer”.