The Truth Is Baneful

‘Some people are not ready for what you got.’

My E.A. Koeting quote was obviously authentic and felt on a deeply personal level otherwise I would never used it as a statement for the major event that was the loss of my YouTube channel.

He had prophesied it to me. Two months before it happened. He saw it coming. Told me that I would follow in his footsteps, as does everyone who tries to spread Lucifer’s Light in this world of Darkness. That I, too, will be taken down by ignoramuses and haters. And then it happened a couple of weeks later, without a single warning – but not without premonition. His words rang in my ears so loud I had to say it – because it was the Truth. So it doesn’t matter who said it, or under what circumstances.

Even an Enemy can speak the truth.

I have a confession to make here. I do regret every little piece of schadenfreude that I expressed over said man being banned. I had the opportunity for True Remorse because I relived it. The loss of everything you built, overnight. The helplessness, and the injustice. Haters coming out of the woodwork suddenly emboldened. People celebrating your demise like it is an accomplishment. Realizing how many people followed you with secret envy, hate, or a sinister side interest. Realizing you had way more enemies than you ever thought. Then, the deafening silence from other YouTubers. People suddenly ignoring you like you have been marked, like you’re a leper, because nobody wants to be the next. It dawned on me this is precisely why Freedom of Speech matters –

because you can be the next.

It doesn’t matter if the speaker is a liar. Liar, cheater, coward, snake, or addict. If they backstabbed you, and continue to lie. Freedom of Speech is sacred. For everyone. It either is, or it is not. It’s the same thing with Truth. You either have it, or you don’t. I have nothing to gain from telling the truth, other than seeking my personal redemption which is the whole point of Dangerous Writing.

I lost my only friend in this city where I am stuck in Hell over quoting that one sentence by a man who everyone knows has treated me extremely poorly, who has only ever lied about me in public and continues to do so. In the eyes of my friend, he did not deserve to be quoted by me, to be given any platform, to be given any attention at all. But this friend is also a literal manifestation of the Prince of Darkness, so everything she says is a riddle. It’s all Free Will.

When I made that quote I pulled a kill switch.

It unleashed the worst yet hate-bullying campaign against me, and I got nearly banned from Facebook right after being banned from YouTube for life.

But here comes my choice, Dear Reader. The Truth is all that matters to me. You may not like it. You may marvel at it. It may titillate you, or it may shock you. That is none of my business, because I adhere to a method here – to speak of the one thing that scares me.

I write dangerously.

I gave him a voice saying something that was true, that is the only deeper truth why we got silenced. He saw me as his successor, carrying the torch. As did anybody reading between the lines. The Devil’s Disciples podcast begun on the very same day at the exact same hour that his last banned livestream was set to air. It couldn’t be more clear.

This quote, I owed him and to myself also because it contains a much bigger truth, inflammatory. A shocking admission of something that was never acknowledged in public, even though many knew or suspected. Something that I’ve had to hide endlessly from those around me, and most of all from myself. It speaks of a deep shared bond. An understanding of my fate, that just could not exist if what he had said about me was the whole truth.

‘The truth can be baneful.’ (March 2023)

Another EA Koetting quote that should not exist, but it does. And it’s not the most shocking one I have…

‘Being evil, would you sell out for thirty silver coins? Nah, I’ll do it for free.’ (August 2022)

It’s not like our communications were truly a secret – many people witnessed them on my channel. All of my co-hosts knew. Quite a few listeners and friends. They figured out what was going on without me saying much. They listened to my endless and almost daily torn stream of consciousness. Getting in front of the camera became exciting, challenging, painful. I banned him a few times, he always came back. Or threw some magic at me, and I became sentimental. You don’t know the feeling unless you felt it, one where you really want to get rid of someone but you also miss them in a way that makes you always come back. He called it a ball and chain. It exists astrally, as a flaming chain, even other people have independently seen it.

I am merely telling the truth here because I am too tortured to lie anymore and I can’t keep a straight face. I am taking my own advice here because, I too, have become a liar. Worse than that, I’ve become a coward. Afraid of people’s judgment. Afraid of being shunned. Being called crazy, weak, spellbound. I’ve heard it all already. So what am I afraid of here, really? What do I fear?

‘You’re a very intelligent woman and I appreciate you.’ (August 2022)

EA was an avid listener to my show. He saw every episode, most of them live. He read all of my posts. Sometimes first thing in the morning, leaving comments for me at 6 A.M. Mountain time when he wakes up. It’s hard to not feel that… He was my biggest fan. My enemy. He called himself a lover. He was the person that I was speaking to every time I told my story. There was no way to stop it, so I took the opportunity to say it all. Speak dangerously to the one person you want to talk to the most, but that you are most uncomfortable facing. Except it is not an acting lesson. It’s real. Our public-secret-one-sided conversation lasted over a year. I would have never imagined that. I was so sure several times that it will just end, evaporate; that I will finally move on somewhere else, with someone else. But I didn’t. I know I can’t.

The truth is, I wanted to wake up badly in a world where he just doesn’t exist, where I don’t have to deal with him. But if were to succeed at it, I know… I have seen many scenes from past lives where it happened, he went away from some death by misadventure, or a history of violence that caught up with him, and instead of feeling relief and freedom, I crumbled down. I imploded and evaporated in flash, dust, and lightning. So I don’t wish for it anymore. What everyone wishes for me as the right thing, I know it to be an escapist fantasy. I know the truth, they don’t. And the truth is a very lonely place, nobody ever tells you that. Those who had met their Twin Flame, they secretly agree with me that the worst part is not them being unsuitable, unavailable, or simply Bad News… it’s the people.

It’s the people trying to talk you out of it. It’s the people who care. People who are trying to save you from it when you don’t want to be saved. You know you are insane, and you revel in it. You only pretend not to be, and you suspect everybody must see it?!

The rational arguments. I’ve heard it all. It becomes… boring. You think I haven’t heard it a thousand times yet? You think I don’t see what everyone can see? I have sat myself forcibly through a presentation in my head, with a pointer and a whiteboard. I forced myself to attend a lecture titled –

“E.A.Koetting: Why He Is Baaaad”

Bitch, you’re gonna sit here and listen to this presentation! I screamed at myself in my Governess Voice, but this girl inside of me she don’t care. Every time I tried, my Self laughed at me and danced away, like a fish that is too slippery for nets of reason. Because the heart always does its own thing, a Black Magician told me, according to its own logic. Heart logic doesn’t follow your brain. It doesn’t care about all the legitimate concerns your loved ones express for you, hell even he repeated those legitimate concerns in a few touching attempts to do the Right and Honorable Thing and leave me alone.

But it never happened. He can’t and I can’t hold it against him. But it’s been four years. The story is as unfinished as can be. It’s been lied about endlessly. I am being lied about. For four years.

So I defied the Father of Lies and pulled that one quote that implied everything in public.

I have a lot more quotes saved. Burned in memory in a place that I am scared to visit. So here’s a few more, since we are pulling the kill switch…

‘I don’t care what people say, you are still beautiful to me.’ (July 2022)

‘I will change my name just so that I don’t remind you of that person. We can start fresh. (August 2022)

‘Maybe the reason I decided it couldn’t work out was for some very good reasons on your end?’ (September 2022)

‘I only bring bane. You need to stay away from me. You say that you can’t? Excuses! You must find a way!’ (October 2022)

‘Yes, darling, all of this is a test of Will.’ (October 2022)

‘Repeated cycles of vengeance, how much fun is that to live?’ (November 2022)

‘Thank you for the Christmas card.’ (December 2022)

‘A deal with the devil? I am careful about making deals but I must admit you are very persuasive.’ (January 2023)

‘A blue butterfly is known to die in a polluted environment.’ (March 2023)

‘Sometimes you get out of hand.’ (April 2023)

‘The truth is Anima, that I am a very tired soul.’ (May 2023)

‘When somebody is selfish, only ever complains and talks about themselves, I circled back in hell and there, I rediscovered you.’ (June 2023)

‘I love you from distance.’ (July 2023)

‘Don’t ever disrespect me.’ (August 2023)

‘I know that you are my twin flame.’ (August 2023)

‘Just tell me the truth, that you are not actually getting married?!’ (September 2023)

And that was when Spirits had to take down my channel because they’ve had it. They needed for the story to move forward. No more secrets. No more lies.

I was fully intending to get married, but I was stopped by circumstances. I mean I am screwed anyway, I have always known it. I am just trying to outrun the devil. Best I can do is channel my accursed passions into poetry and enjoy the view of the sunset. This shit will never leave me alone. It doesn’t want to be ignored. I am finished.

In my last heroic attempt to get away from my twin flame story, I moved to South Dakota. It was solid. Or so I thought. Less than a week after shipping all of my belongings, I was shipped back to Las Vegas where the twin flame story caught fire four years ago – perhaps because in order for anything to happen in my life, the clogged sink needs to be drained.

I am in hell where all insane lovers go, and I deserve to be there. In my previous life, I chose Death over Life out of passion, because Twin Flames don’t care if they burn in hell, for as long as they burn together. Somebody told me once they were Lucifer’s personal revenge for his banishment from heaven. Like a raised middle finger they shake the foundation of Heaven, with this love that is truly irrational, truly insane; it has nothing to gain, cares not for status, security, or to provide for the offspring – it only seeks unity at the cost of one’s own obliteration.